Kaayarta: Cowardice

Shor hai Shor hai, kanon mei ek shor hai...
Agni hai Agni hai, aankhon mei ab agni hai...
Khoon mein ab garmee hai
Zor hai Zor hai, dhakkon mein ab zor hai...
Mutthhee mein ab krodh hai...
Paurush kee pariksha naheen, manaavta kee zaroorat hai
Kano ko thoons lo ruee se..aankhon par laga lo patti..mutthee ko bhale bheench loh tum..

Par khoon hai, khoon toh ublega...khud se ghrina zaroor karegaa

atheism:another alternative to convenience

SOMETHING I WROTE 5 YEARS BACK:

God
where is he and who is he?
is he a he?

since childhood i have had numerous questions that spring up in my mind everyday questioning the very tenets humanity is based upon..the existence of a supreme force called god,the creator of what is today.
needless to say all my questions are still unanswered but somewhere somehow i had begun to understand a few things on this issue.
i will share them with you

god or belief is just an act of convenience.
humans,because they have evolved so much mentally and because they are perhaps the most social of all organisms on the earth,are dependant and weak.
because we live in a society,we,since childhood are used to our parents,our teachers,our friends and anyone and everyone around us.even the beggar on the road who i have nothing to do with directly makes me feel a part of a setup,makes me feel i have a position in this human hierarchy.a terrorist sitting in lebanon makes me feel there is something that needs to be done,makes me feel i need to do something to stop the bloodshed if i am human.in that way each one of us has a certain obligation and we all fulfil them wether by choice or not.
this leaves us with two choices,either trust yourself completely and be called arrogant and self righteous or to place your trust in an unseen intangible entity called god.
the latter is easier as it doesnt have any room for accountability.if something does go wrong we move on saying god knows and god will help me.in a way it just hels us derive some strength from something that doesnt even exist.people find it easier to attribute all their happiness and place all their trust and faith in an entity they would anyways never see.
imagine trusting your best friend and being betrayed.
now imagine placing your faith in a piece of clay and accepting with all humility your failures and mishaps in life.its a survival mechanism.its a mode of convenience.
i cant see god so its easy for me to just place all my faith in him and even when i do not get what i was looking for i would not blame him cus in the first place i cant see him and i am ready to believe this is all a part of a plan.
as humans we want to do that,we want someone to place our trust in,somone to tell us that we will live on even when things have gone bad,someone we can derive some hope from and someone who can tell us it was meant to be and so we stop questioning why it happened.we give in to the force of the unseen,telling ourselves that he is the coach,the manager,the physio and the audience.
i can just play and i can just try but if i lose he will be the only one who would have known why i lost or would undrstand that i did put in my best though i did not get the desired result.
so logically atheism makes much more sense but then because i am a human too and people all around me believe in god and because i too have found that life becomes much easier if you can place all your faith and trust in someone you cant question,but just accept,i turn a believer.

i am not an atheist
maybe a convenient atheist
maybe a weak human being

it needs to be seen and decided
i am still on my path to find which hat to don.

Main

Haath kee lakeeron ne kaha mujhse main tujhey batata hoon kahan teree raah hai....kahan tera nishaana aur kya teree chaah hai...zyada aankhey duur tak na faila...kar wohee jo tere bas mei hai...main tujhey batata hoon tera vajoot kya hai...aage dekhega toh paas ko bhool jayega..raah mei pade kankar se ja takrayega...na...zar rakh kadmon pe aur tuu chaltaa jayega... kar mujhpe bharosa tu aage badhtaa jayegaa...

Haath kee lakeeron se maine kaha..tujhey banaya bhee maine hai..or meree mutthhee mein tu hai..ungliyan mod loon agar tujhey zameen hai dikhtee ungliyan chodh doo agar asman bhee choo payega...hai mujhey khud pe bharosa main chalta chala jaunga..raah ke kankad se zaroor ladkhadaunga par in hathon se sambhal jaunga..d...uur pe hogee nazar par paas ko saath le jaunga..aage badhta chala jaunga..khud kee lakeeren banaunga

KYUN

Kyun aisa lagtaa hai aaj ek arsaa beet gaya...
Kyun aisa lagtaa hai main sapnon ko peechey chod gaya..
Kuch bada paaney kee chah mei..khud ko peechey chodh gaya...
Umr beet rahee hai yuheen...kyon aankhen moond gaya...
Sab kuch apne bas mei tha...kyuun lagtaa hai rastaa bhool gaya..
Sab kuch chaahna par kuch na kar pana...kya chaahat mei main karnaa bhool gaya..

The Man and the Mannequin

Footfalls are low...the shopping season is long gone...but i gotta stay here...gotta do what i gotta do!

Feels lonely, this standalone store on the corner of the street. Looking at the rain, it feels good to be inside. Though i personally dont care about getting wet.

Thank god you are here, how the most dull and mundane of places become hotbeds of emotions, no one can explain. But everyday looking at your face makes me feel i am right where i should be. All the noise, frustration disappears when i look at you standing there. I know you must be getting bored too. Wonder if i help in easing these frustrations the way you do for me!

I wish you could talk. I wish after hours we could sit and eat dinner together or just talk, long endless, equally pointless conversations.

Of course you cant, i aint that lucky. But your all i have here. Days come and go, people come and go, many card swipes and shopping bags later my life still remains the same. Its still just me sitting after everyone is off taking care of this place.
Days go by pretty fast, what with so many customers and so much cash....its always packed with people. The crowd thins out after evening...during festivals and on season nights are a good time to do business.

At least i can talk to you...i know you cant respond but it feels like you are really listening to me...not many people speak to me...at least none of them wait to listen to what i gotta say. Your constant expression makes me feel you are interested in my life, in my thoughts and words.

Never have i seen any girl as beautiful as you...so many of them walk in everyday trying out the most expensive clothes just to look beautiful but none comes close.
By the way the auburn hair looks great on you...hope Rakesh keeps it on for sometime to come...and this dress just shows off what every man desires to have...but none can!

I wish i could touch you and we could connect..wish i could feel your hands on my skin...damn i wish you could change the expression on your face. Crying, anger, mischief...something, anything, you would just look so much more complete. How do we carry on a relationship without any exchange? there is no exchange of glances, of words, of smiles! Its becoming difficult but i'm just so into you that i'm willing to deal with this. At least you listen to me, you treat me like i exist. to others i dont even exist.

The drunkard's here again...poor bastard's all wet and drenched and all he can care about is that bottle...there is more water than theres daaruu in it anyway. Dont worry i know you hate those people gawking at your body through the glass everyday. But you are what they wanna see...you make every piece of clothing seem like its made for someone or the other. People look at the way the dress fits your body and buy it only to realise it doesnt look half as good on them. Thats why i sit here looking at you, admiring you.

Being all alone makes one talk too much. You get so used to just blabbering that you dont realise that there is no one around! you speak to yoursef. You have arguements, you have discussions!

Damn its morning, i am tired. Should have rested but our conversations never seem to end, do they?
Hey Rakesh, how was the wedding last night? Dude can you let Sandra keep the auburn hair for a while? She looks nice. Stop eyeing her chest you fukin letch, the dress just slipped...if only you would have done it properly...just put it back on her shoulder will you?

Fuck it...i'l do it......

Who am i kidding? i cant even push this stupid hat above my eyes.....

Lets play!

'This is a place with extreme weather, when it rains it bloody comes down like buckets on ecstacy'.
With these words under her breath Kaamini pulled her feet inside, no use though, her new shoes were already drenched. She tried to look outside and all she saw was rain, thick, heavy drops of water making it impossible to see anything else. The streetlights appeared as small balls of fire trying to make their way through a huge, dense waterfall. It was exactly this kind of night that she was not very comfortable in but she dint really have much of an option.The rickshaw driver behaving the way he was, wasn't making it any easier. Jhonny, the way he was called by everyone was not in the best of his moods. but then was he ever in a good mood?

'Why should i be in a good mood? what do i have that should instill happiness and exuberance in me?'

There was no exchange of words, it would have been futile in any case, the roar of the water gushing through the air would make any words or shouts incomprehensible.

Kamini asked the same question she had asked 10 times already 'Kab pahuchengey'?

Jhonny shouted back 'Abhee time hai', something that he'd said all the 10 times she asked him the question.

Jhonny shouted this and turned his head back to the road, and exactly the same moment the rickshaw made a spluttering sound, like a pigeon caught in the blades of a table fan the engine made dying noises.

splutterrr....sprutttt.....sprruuuutttttt.....

And there it was, the engine was dead.

'What more could go wrong with this bloody night' she said. Jhonny completely disregarded and stopped on the side of the road.

Minutes passed before a truck passed, but the driver was in no mood to slow down, his reflexes cut by a tenth thanks to the desi tharra he had just had on the last stop.

Half an hour and a lot of curse words later a rickshaw appeared. Jhonny thrust his hand out in the rain. The rick stopped. Even in that dark night she could see the rick driver smiling.

'Thhhhuuuuu' out came an endless deep red stream of chewed pan masala splattered on the gravel, in a shape only a earnest paintbrush could make.
Barely wiping his mouth clean he opened his mouth again, words came out this time
'Kya hua?' Ram badan asked rather jestingly,
'Band pad gayee gadiyaa' Jhonny said. He added 'Madame ko Safed Pul tak chod da zara, hum gadiya ko dekh lengey'

Kamini shot an angry look towards Jhonny, it was not the sort of night you take lift from strangers. But soon realised this was her only option to get out of here and this creepy rick guy.

RB saw the chemistry between them and knew she would be more comfortable in his rick around 2 men than she was with that weirdo Jhonny.

'Aeye madame, saheb bhee waheen tak jayengey, aapko chod den'

She hesitatingly but swiftly went and tried to retrieve that huge Samsonite bag from the rick. Both the rick guys came to help her and pulled out the shiny heave bag.

'Aaj kal suitcase bhee make up kar ke miltey hain' RB joked to himself.

They walked through puddles of rain water and reached his rick.

'Saheb' he told the half asleep man in the rick, 'Madame bhee jayengee safed pul tak, inka rickshaw band pad gaya.'

Vinod sprung back to life, just what he needed, a hot young damsel wet and in need of help.

'Hi, please come, sorry for your rick, dont worry i'm going that way too, i will drop you there.'

She handed him the bag, thinking he looked quite handsome in this dark, thick night. He looked well behaved and sophisticated too. His clothes were crisp and well ironed looking like he'd just started his day.

Both were not the kind of people who would get excited at meeting the first person of the opposite sex but there was just something in that night.
Maybe it was dozens of movies which epitomized fleeting love affairs in the rain. It was wet, it was cold and they were the only people on the road, all this heightened their senses and a strange excitement sprang up.

RB started the engine and in his nonchalant style started belting at the speed of light, it dint really matter that he couldn't see anything, as long as he knew he was on the road and not off it.

Vinod saw Kamini rubbing her arms trying to get comfortable in that chilly night.

'Here please take this, i have an extra one, you're already wet and this will help.'

She took it gladly, it was freshly perfumed, nice and earthy. What a brilliant turn of events this had been she thought in her mind.

'Here let me help you.'

Vinod was about to put his jacket over her head when he saw wet sand on her bare arms. Instinct told him not to, but impetus came from somewhere, it was a heady mix, that night, he brushed the sand off.'Sorry there was some sand on your arms.''Thats alright, thanks' she said with a nervous smile, very taken by surprise at his hand touching her cold, wet skin.

She pushed back Vinod's bag which by now was resting on her neck, Vinod turned and pushed it perfectly stuffing in place. 'What an ugly bag you are grey and torn, compared to hers' he said in his mind.

They started talking. First time in the night everyone was happy. First time in the night Vinod was thanking RB for belting his auto and going over those potholes, thanks to that mad speed and no suspensions whatsoever on that rickety auto, his hand was banging against Kamini's body every single minute.

They discussed the day they were having, how its so not safe for a woman to be on her own in such a dark, lonely night. They discussed their jobs and their bosses, their schools and their friends. Neither of them had had such a freewheeling conversation with anyone else in the last 4-5 years.

'Saheb aage ek dhaba hai, ruk ke khana kha leejiye, Safed Pul abhee kaafee duur hai.'

'I love you RB, mere baap kaam bana daala', Vinod was about to burst out saying these words but he dint need to, his face showed his immense happiness, he was gleaming like a child seeing his first bicycle does.

Kamini was in accordance too, she was hungry and she had good company, why let such a man go to waste? At least lets evaluate the option.

They got off pulling the jacket over their heads and pulling their bottoms as they ran. It was still raining pretty heavily.

RB dint really care about the rain, meanwhile Vinod realised he needed to get their bags out of the rick.
'Saaheb main lata hoon, rukiye' RB shouted guessing the look on Vinod's face.
Vinod squirmed for a bit but carried on holding Kamini's hand.

RB came running and shaking like a wet dog trying to get dry. He put the two bags down, doing that he could not help but smile at himself, look at the difference between these 2 bags.

They sat down to eat, steamy anda burjee and chai completed the experience.

'The same cold and rain were making me feel so irritated an hour back, now it feels like such a perfect setting' Vinod said in his mind. Exactly in front of him Kamini seemed to be echoing same emotions in her mind.

'Some good company and lots of cash' Vinod grinned to himself. He had his eyes on the big Samsonite bag as much as he'd had his eyes on Kamini.

His own bag though torn and filthy was full of the day's loot, the rich marwari couple he had given a lift in his car who he then mugged at knifepoint and left them in the middle of the jungle. When his car ran out of fuel he'd thought he was in for a shitty night but then RB turned up and Kamini was stranded with a huge red bag in need of help. 'So the cash registers are still running!' he almost laughed.

RB had similar thoughts, he was on the lookout for a hapless traveller when he saw this young seemingly rich man looking for a lift. Looking at his car he knew this guy was rich, the dirty bloody bag in his hand dint make sense somehow but there must be something in it,he thought.

And then came Kamini with her expensive bag mostly full of jewellery and some cash.

Vinod was on a high, he thought he was the thug here and those two were the victims.

He got up to go the loo, leaving the bag unattended first time that night.

Kamini had started to get some strange vibes from RB, the way he was looking at her bag again and again. But she could not carry it anywhere and Vinod was missing for the last 15 mins. She began to feel increasingly uncomfortable with RB. His eyes kept alternating between her blouse and her bag. In a way it made her feel good, she had two guys from the diametrical ends of the social spectrum salivating all over her sari.A sari in the rains has that effect.

She wanted to go pull up her blouse that had slipped an inch or two thanks to the rain.RB was catching these gestures all the time...Kamini was trying to pull her blouse up, trying to throw her pallu over the blouse but everything was just so transparent.She decided it would be better if she just wore a new blouse, this one was so wet.She fondled her handbag. RB chuckled to himself 'What now, she has a blouse in her handbag??'

She took her handbag and asked RB to wait till she goes and changes.

RB's heart started thumping faster and faster.

'Haan madame jaaiye, hum hain na.'

Kamini disappeared into the black night. Vinod was busy doing god knows what, there could'nt be a better moment , RB thought to himself.

He looked at both the bags, he had a clear choice: pick up one and make a dash, on second thought he could make use of both, he realised he could pick up one and come back for the other one.

Should it be the Red, shiny, expensive suitcase or that small but heavy, filthy grey bag?

The choice was simple, why risk getting caught with that grey bag, belt with the red bag first, even if Kamini catches him it wont be too much of a fight. He picked up the heavy bag and ran not caring the rain, to his rick. He fitted it somehow in the back and made sure it doesnt fall out.

Adrenaline was rushing into his veins, he felt faster, stronger than he'd ever felt. He ran back to see if either of them had returned to that charpoy. There was no one except a wrinkly old dog looking for some food near the charpoy. He ran towards the charpoy, his heart was beating faster than he was running or was it the other way round? He got into this zone where all rationality leaves you and greed takes over. He was meters away from the charpoy when Vinod came out, wiping his face with his handkerchief. His first glance was the charpoy and second glance was a running RB.

RB realised too late that he'd come out and tried to stop and run back,but inertia pushed him ahead.

He almost landed in Vinod's arms.

He looked at Vinod's face which was changing colors faster than a chameleon. It went from pink to red to bright yellow. He followed his gaze and saw that the charpoy just had the bright red sari Kamini had worn and nothing else. He could not understand what had happened or why was this guy looking the way he was or why was the sari there.

He realised and broke away from Vinod and started running back, who had started following him. They both reached the rick where RB dashed to the controls to start it.

'Plonk' came a strong punch right across his ears, numbing his ears and sending a shooting pain everywhere in his body.

Vinod jumped in, picked up the red bag and tried to open it, there was brown wet sand dripping from the sides of the suitcase, it opened with a thump and he saw what made the suitcase so heavy, sand and bricks!

RB gained composure and looked at the bag lying on the ground, he couldnt decide what hurt more...the punch or seeing the constituents of that bag.

On the other side of the road they heard the peculiar sound of an auto engine.

The last vision that night Vinod and RB saw was a grinning Jhonny and Kamini in the auto speeding away! and the grey, torn, filthy bag in Kamini's arms.