A second chance

Yes I’ve got to do this! Amma said I’m not good for anything, well I am going to show you and the wretched world that I am special. I know he is watching and he wants me to prove to all of you that I am his child, brave and fearless!

I am sick and tired, angry and hateful for what these bastards have done. The videos Mehsud bhai showed us yesterday showed our women getting raped and butchered in Gujarat in front of those fucking impotent thullas, madarchod saale. We have wasted all our lives sitting here in India when our brothers are being killed everyday by those fucking Jews, pushing us out of the land that was rightfully ours, the land that has saw the muslim faith fight and conquer.

My wife will be proud of me. Better being the widow of a hero than being the wife of a coward. My kids, I’l miss them. Rukhsana, Rukhi when you were born I looked into your eyes and saw Allah himself, i felt like I had created something, something so fragile yet beautiful, so sacred and pure. I wish I could have been there when you would get married, when you would grow up into this beautiful young woman full of grace. But I know you would understand, please take care of your mother and your brother, you know he needs you to guide him, even though he’s older to you he lacks your sense of responsibility and values. Ahmer, there is not a single moment that I haven’t felt proud of being your father. I love you my son, you will carry my name forward in this world. Protect your mother and your sister from the filthy eyes of those hindu bastards. Pretty soon I will do my duty but your duty, my son, will carry on for years. You have a bigger responsibility. Teach our brothers, tell them of the injustice and humiliation meted upon us by the bastards. Tell them how everyday we are meant to feel inferior and different because of our facial hair the clothes we wear. Tell them how all of them would end up becoming either mechanics or drivers while these hindus flourish. This is their country not ours. Our land is far from here, we are unfortunate enough to be born in a foreign land, to be living as refugees at the mercy of their will. You are back from school and as usual your shirt’s all smeared and grimy. I wish I could stay and see you both grow up but don’t worry Mehsud bhai and others will take care of you.

“Ji, what are you staring at the walls for? Aren’t you supposed to be in the garage? Roshan bhai left you early today?”

“Haan Begum, he shut the garage early today, it’s his daughter’s birthday and you know how these rich hindus like to make a show of everything they can spend money on just to put us down.”

“What has gotten into you these days Mushtaque? Roshan bhai has been so kind to us, thanks to him our kids go to school, thanks to him we always have food on our table.”

“Begum, staying with these infidels you have forgotten who puts the food on your plate and who gives you the pleasure of being able to taste and appreciate it. He pays me money because I toil day and night for him, I am the best he has”

“Accha forget it, its Rukhi’s birthday tomorrow, take tomorrow off and we will all go for a nice picnic”

“Noora, I cant take the day off, I have to go with Roshan to meet a dealer at 12:00 tomorrow. We will take both kids to the park tomorrow morning. I will leave from there for work and you can come back with the children.”

“ok come have dinner and lets have an early night tonight.”

I can see your beautiful face now. I can see why all the boys were jealous of me. That bugger Salim stopped talking to me when he came to know of us, guess he always liked you and I somehow got you. I remember how I would sit and wonder in stupid excitement how I ever got a beauty like you. I know things dint turn out the way you thought they would. Sorry I dropped out of college, I was never made for that. Maybe Salim could have taken better care of you, given you what you deserve. But tomorrow you will cry in pride. This is my gift to you. Allah will be with us, I am doing this for him, giving myself up for his cause and he will always look over all of you. I wish I could keep staring at you, that this night would go on endlessly, go on and on till I feel like I can have no more, till I feel I am ready to move on. Amma never really understood me, after Abba left she always thought I would take care of her but I did my best didn’t I? I am proud of being a garage mechanic, I work hard, I work with sweat and grease, I work to restore things just like Allah does. I am sorry I could not provide you with a better life. But you pushed me so far away that I don’t even want to see you before I go.
Noora, I want to curl up and hang on to you, feel every second passing because this is all I am holding in my fists. I want to leave this world with the picture of your beautiful face lit by the playful moon. I can feel tears, huge salty tears, filling up my eyes and blurring everything in my vision. Tomorrow I will leave like these tears that have left my body, never to return, only to disappear in the air leaving the salt behind.

My head feels heavy and I am feeling sleepy just like every night, but is it like every night? What do I do? Do I sleep because all human beings do so at night? Or do I make myself realize that tomorrow I won’t be human anymore. To be human is to have life, to have blood and pulse, to have a head and eyes to see. Tomorrow I will have none. I will be with Allah, much more than human but not a human, not in this world, not around these trees and not drinking this water. Rukhi here you go again lecturing your elder brother! As if he is going to listen to you. Ahmer what! How did you grow so tall overnight? And what’s that in your hand? A kada? Ahmer have you lost your fucking senses? You bloody fucker who the fuck gave you that? No Rukhi don’t leave baba, you and Bilal can stay with us. The fucking pony, that bloody pony with the head of a goat that I used to have nightmares about. You don’t scare me anymore you don’t even exist, see I figured that out, I have been to the zoo and even that Discovery channel never showed a pony with a goat’s head. Yes we can go play tomorrow now that we are friends but don’t put your filthy head in my plate. Abba and I eat together in this plate. Let’s play gulli danda. You can’t stand with your feet up in the air can you? Oh poor you.

Damn its so bloody bright outside. Who opened the windows? “Begum”. “pull the bloody curtains, this sunlight is going to make me go blind!”. “What time is it?”. “Fuck its 9 o clock”.

“Ouch”, this tape hurts. Allah, shaving all the hair made me feel clean, made me feel like I am reborn filled with innocence and ready for a new beginning. But these tapes hurt. These strips of explosives will thunder inwards and will leave destruction and vengeance outwards. My chest feels so heavy with these strips. I can’t believe this wire holds my life in minute balance. One pull and this body would vaporize. I need to be careful with this. Especially, with the children around for the next few hours.

“haha, see how happy she is?” “Yes Begum, you know she loves parks and trees.” “Rukhi, come here beta.”

“Rukhi how much do you love your papa?”

“as much as the ice cream man loves his ice cream.”

“haha, but beta the ice cream man has to let go of the ice cream. He sells it to others. He doesn’t even get to have it. How can he love it?”

“just the way you love me and want me all to yourself but know one day you would give me away to someone.”

My tears are pushing against the walls of my eyes. It feels like a dam is going to burst and everything would be flooded but how do I cry? How do I tell you darling that I am only going to be a picture in your drawing room from today?

“What happened papa? Why do you look so sad? It’s my birthday today. Let’s go play on the new ride. You need to push me and when I fall you need to catch me. Ok? I love the air. It makes me feel like I can fly. Lets go papa, c’mon lets go please?”

“take your brother beta, I have pain in my legs.”

“Mushtaque, listen to the girl na, entertain her, you only got another hour to go before you leave for work.”

She looks so innocent and full of life on that swing. I push her so she goes higher, I realize she’s only going further away. I don’t want to push you away. I know it makes you feel free beta but I feel like I am pushing you away. “Bas beta, go slow”.

“No, a little more, don’t worry it wont hurt.”

“Papa, push me higher I want to see what’s beyond the fence.”

“Beta, see your shoes slipped off, wait let me get them.”

I walk around to pick her shoe and I can see her face bright and shining, the sun suits her, makes her look radiant. She does look free. Can she see beyond that fence though?

“papaaaaaa…………”

“Oh betaaaa!!!! You are gonna fall, be careful, oh fuck”

I lunge forward to catch her, life really feels like a cricket match on action replay. Oh she’s safe! Thankfully I can reach that far. Here you are. Aaahhh. But no!! Oh God no!! no baby I cant catch you, I have death strapped to my body, no baby don’t, oh Allah no its all going so slow still I can’t seem to get my way out of this. Allah please don’t let this happen, let her fall, let her hurt her head rather than disappear in my arms forever. No Allah no I carry this on in your name. Rukhi!!!!! No don’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A sharp pain in every single nerve of his body, he’d never felt more alive than he felt now, while he saw Rukhi reaching his arms. Just before the blast came the explosion of emotions, of guilt of regret but mostly of helplessness. It was as if he was an outsider watching a movie disconnected with what he saw. The moment dint last forever. A loud thundering blast followed, vibrations that shook every tree, every swing in the area nearby, organs disintegrated into unrecognizable pieces and the last fraction of time when he saw the flash and truth of what he’d done dint seem to stop.

With this he woke up with a heavy sweat, sweat trickled down like he was a fish just out of water. He felt the bomb tied to his chest, fully conscious of the reality, of the dream that had made him realize what it felt not being around Rukhi, Ahmer and Noora. He pulled out the bomb, threw it and washed his face. Rukhi dint want to see that ugly beard today, she wanted her daddy clean and handsome.